As most of you know by now, I frequent the nearby trails via bike rides nearly on a daily basis.
For the most part, it’s a way to get close to nature. I mean… it’s pretty! And then there’s the exercise bonus of course. While I’m not one of those trainer types, I do work up just enough sweat to hopefully do something good for my health.
But there’s something more that rose to the top this past bike ride.
And I will admit, it frightens me.
When I’m busy working at home, I have all the perfect distractions. I start the day with my to-do journal I shared HERE, then it’s pretty to dig into all the things that I’d like to get done for the day.
Now know, there’s also a dream section in that journal. And lately, I’ve been avoiding it.
I suppose I’ve been testing myself. What do I want vs. what am I meant to have?
It’s hard to tell at times whether I’m feeling selfish or deserving. How does one even know?
My brother called a couple days ago to wish me a happy (57th!) birthday.
We hit on the topic of travel, and he asked me if I had any plans for this year.
I enthusiastically said, “YES! I’ve gifted myself a trip in early summer to Maui, and new-to-me Molokai for the first time!”
Oh yes I have. I’ve desired my tropical fix for a while now. I’ve even checked several times over for condo availability earlier in the year in which there were none.
I just finally booked it in when it worked.
However as I was booking, I had to ask myself a lot of HARD questions.
Was I ready for something bigger than my safe-zone Hawaii?
Would I ever be brave enough to fly across the pond to places foreign and unknown to me?
I wrestled with it big time.
Ultimately, I decided no matter what I planned for the future, Maui provided the epic ‘rest’ that I desired at the time, with the option for adventure should I choose it.
So I decided to push myself a little further and added the island of Molokai as well!
It’s old Hawaii with no stop lights in sight.
Adding the new island had me investigating the lay of the land, then figuring out my way around, but it didn’t frighten me. I am familiar to Hawaii’s climate, language, driving, money and safety.
However I knew the new island would help me continue to grow as a sole traveler. May as well practice in a place I’m already comfortable, right?!
However, the conversation with my brother was yet another reminder of being called to do something braver.
The calling I knew about way back before I could even afford to travel.
The calling that was the reason I got two cats instead of 1.
The calling that keeps rising to the top with increased volume daily. DAILY. Did I say DAILY? It’s DAILY.
The calling I built my entire life and business around. That if I cannot travel while doing it, I will not take it on. Travel must be able to be a part of it.
The calling that wouldn’t always include Hawaii. That Hawaii was a mere pit stop.
The international calling is bothersome.
I try and stuff the thoughts to the bottom of the list and wish it away by getting busy with other stuff. But the same thing happens, time after time. I start to lose enthusiasm for everything I’m doing and ultimately reach the point of “What’s the point?”
I now know why I’ve been attempting to reactivate my love for everything I do.
It’s because I’m not allowing myself to add the very thing I’ve been pining to do!
I go from, “I don’t want that kind of travel”…. to dreaming I was there right now. Constantly. Every single day. It’s as if my thoughts and heart have separated. My brain is digging in its heels leaving skid marks while my heart is tugging me along inch by inch. Some days it even makes headway.
What is even WRONG with me?
Why not just book the big stuff and go?
The topic of conversation with my brother turned to visiting England, Scotland and Ireland.
We’ve been here before. Les has been to the UK and has attempted to guide me many times over.
And of course, my excuses come out full force. From going alone to a goofy foot to toothache to driving on the left to not knowing my way around to not understanding the money to not knowing how to manage public transit to…. name it and I’ve said it!
I audibly heard the smile in my brother’s face over the phone line. He said nothing for awhile while I dumped my diva-styled third world’s issues on his gracious lap.
Then ever so wisely mused,
Yup. I am.
I’m so afraid to go this alone, I stopped writing about my Toronto travels I’ve already done but not shared with you yet. The pictures open up in my SD card daily as I have to bypass them to get to the new material. Why? They remind me what I will ultimately have to face.
This practice needs to stop. It’s time to get these beautiful stories out. They are now on my to-do list so I hope you’ll want to hear about my last Hawaiian trip, Niagara Falls, a story about some lovely friends where my stencils are produced, what Ontario looks like in fall and SO much more. The photos are absolutely spectacular. So much so, they overwhelm me.
They include this ravine on a cable car, a butterfly sanctuary, two quaint cottage stays and more.
Plus, I just must share the Maui happening that shook my world.
Some travel blogger, huh? I’m shaming myself here so I write about them.
I’m ignoring the obvious, friends. And the day I actually do something about this overseas travel fear, I’m going to be sprawled out on UK soil bawling my eyes out for all to witness!
Because it will be such a relief to let this big bad fear GO.
I went through something similar last year in Maui I’ve yet to share.
It’s on my to-do list now.
These beautiful bike ride trails use to be my quiet zone.
But now they’ve become The Calling Zone. With no to-do lists filling my brain, the deep down guts of dream life rise to the top while I’m on these dreamy paths and quite frankly, scare the crap out of me.
So I made my brother a promise. When I’m tucked in nice and comfy in Hawaii during my downtime, I will take the time to start planning my big, brave NEW adventure overseas.
I already have ‘travel agent’ on my to-do list to start the process rolling.
p.s. Hold me.
So, how does one tell the difference between a selfish desire vs. a true calling?
I think selfish desires come then go.
But I think true callings nag you endlessly until they are completed. Even when we tell ourselves we don’t want to do that thing any longer.
So, what happens if we don’t listen?
IMO we will never ultimately live our best lives because we aren’t doing what we were designed to do.
Plus… boy does it get noisy!
Let’s change that.
I promise to hold your hand back…
What are you being called to do? Why aren’t you doing it?
Another ‘brave’ post…
Read Travel posts HERE (with more coming soon!)