Ever have a life change that modified everything you did?
We all get accustomed to where we are in life. There’s comfort in routine it seems. So when change is forced upon you against your will, anxiety, depression and dread can most certainly kick in. And this is how 2009 started for me.
Part 2 – Stubborn Takes Over – you are HERE
Jan 2009. The reno team and I had just completed a major reno on my home and the last part we had just completed was the kitchen. (my first ever blog, all about the renovations is HERE)
A long time coming!
It had been a very difficult deadline and I cut down on work to help achieve it. So to my complete and utter surprise, one day I sat up one morning and my world was tipped sideways. Overnight. I literally fell back in bed. I couldn’t get out of bed for nearly a week.
Alarmed, as soon as I felt I could, I dragged myself to the doctor.
And then the tests started. It seems what I was feeling was a type of vertigo symptom, but not the standard spinning sensation. Tests and history were traced, but at the end of the day, there were more questions than answers. In a nutshell, I had a major health issue I didn’t know how to treat for the first time in my entire life with no lead on how to fix it. And for that matter, I didn’t know how to be sick! (constantly healthy people make terrible patients it seems)
So my life changed from that day on. Everything I was doing had to be modified. From driving to working to even getting out of bed right down to the simple act of breathing, everything was a major effort.
To top this plight off, the economy had taken a nosedive and my funds were tighter than they had EVER been. In this self employed single income home, things were not looking good.
With no end in sight of health or financial issues, I was scared. But I kept on doing only what I absolutely had to do. And stayed put as much as I could. I worked when there was work and didn’t when there wasn’t.
My last campsite
As it so happened, my trailer had been parked up at the campsite all winter long. I had waited YEARS for a riverside site and just the past fall one became available! My intent was to leave it there 12 months out of the year at this point. But the plans had to change. Not only could I no longer afford my camping expenditure, I couldn’t drive up there in my present condition, let alone even feel like camping.
On a relatively so so weekend, I drove up to assess what on earth I was going to do with the campsite. I went alone, not wishing to put my son in jeopardy should anything happen. And it was the darkest visit of my camping experience.
While my head cleared enough to get there, it fogged up while I was there. I right then had to make the very tough decision to pull the trailer home after being an avid member there for at least 12 years. I remember sitting on a picnic table with my head in my hands, with my view the foggiest it’s ever been. But I forced myself to go announce my plight to the campground owners and camper neighbors I had become to know as family. I had to start sharing how I was feeling. Darn it!
I was better at hiding things than sharing. And had become quite good at it. I am a strong willed, independent type, so asking for help was rather like pulling teeth for me. But I swallowed my pride, got home and asked a good friend to help me pull the trailer home. I flat out had to soften up and ask for help dag nab it!
The days ahead were ULTRA tough. My trailer was home and I felt so uprooted.
I felt like I was locked in a room with no place to go. It was so hard to leave behind amazing mental images such as the one above.
And although my home was newly renovated inside, my yard was dead ugly to be around. It depressed me. And since summertime brings you outdoors, this is what I got to look at.
You see, many years of camping takes you away from your yard. You purposely don’t buy plants and things that will die in your absence unless you want to hire others to take care of it. I chose the first. Why bother? Basically put, the yard still belonged to the previous owners AND I had allowed it to go downhill even further. Double demerit for a gardener/decorator type!
So summer approached with my trailer in my yard. And my weekends stuck at home. And me feeling like I had the flu all the time. I wasn’t in a good place emotionally. Unplanned depressing change can suffocate you, whipping out your hopes and dreams.
I did alot of concentrated praying during this time, prayer for healing, finding my way, whatever. I just prayed.
Here’s something else I tried. I had been feeling really ill one particular Sunday (my son was with his Dad), but something led me to get out of bed and get ready for church. I kept glancing at my watch full knowing this was a crazy idea. I was really ill and I would be running late if I tried. But for some odd reason I felt compelled to push myself and went for it. I got there only about 2 minutes late and I remember having to stay seated in the pew so I wouldn’t fall.
Know what the message was about that day? Healing. My stomach did a lurch.
And THEN to top that off, the pastor was inviting those desiring healing to come up front for prayer and oil ointment. Sorry, I don’t really know what to call this.
I thought I was going to be sick. My heart raced and my head went dizzy with panic and fear. I knew I’d NEVER forgive myself if I didn’t try this opportunity. I mean, it was like it was being handed to me on a sliver platter! But to go up THERE? In front of all so they’d all know how sick I really was? Augh…
Still unsure, I turned to the young girl beside me and said, “How do I do this? Do I just go up?” Tears sprung in her eyes and she nodded. And offered to come up with me. I accepted. So I held my breath, and walked up to the front with her, holding hands. I was in a mental daze. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. But oh my gosh… I was met with amazing support, shouts of Hallelujah, and just felt warmth around me. Trust me, this was totally out of my comfort zone. But I wanted it to work. And I wanted it bad.
The event was an amazing experience. After the ointment, well wishers came up to me, put their hands on me and prayed alongside me for healing. I have never felt such a rush of love quite like this in my entire life. I think I cried through the whole thing. I was just so touched.
And then it was done. And I went home. And waited. And hoped.
And know what? It didn’t work. I didn’t get better. Frustrated, I resumed to status quo and felt low all over again.
But I never stopped praying. I summed up that perhaps that would have been the easy way out when I was suppose to do something else myself. I had no idea. But I had to keep believing there was a reason I wasn’t granted my desire to be better overnight.
And I believe, there was a reason indeed.
Part 2 – Stubborn Takes Over – you are HERE
Have you ever had something happen that changed your life overnight? How did you cope?